By Frank Kamuntu
As wonderful and rewarding as they are, holidays inherently come with pressure — and Valentine’s Day has its own unique kind. For those in the murky waters of a situationship, newly in love, and years deep into marriage alike, the obligation to make Valentine’s Day special can feel overwhelming.
When love is on the calendar, it comes with the unspoken rule of pulling off the perfect romantic gesture, leaving many scrambling to meet the moment. But in reality, mistakes are all too easy to make, and most couples don’t always get it right.
“It’s too easy and common for people to get their feelings hurt when they feel their partner’s efforts don’t match their expectations,” Jennifer Blankl, Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach exclusively told Women.com. This is partially due to social media, but also a general lack of communication about needs.
The good news is that you can take steps to make sure this year is different. Grand gestures needn’t feel like obligations, and the unrealistic standards of social media shouldn’t box you into a false idea of what real romance looks like. To ensure your February 14 goes smoothly, we asked Certified Relationship & Marriage Coach Jennifer Blankl to share the biggest mistakes that couples make on Valentine’s Day — and how you can avoid them.
Setting rigid expectations can set you up for regret
We’ve all seen the lavish Valentine’s Day gestures splashed across on social media. But as the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s important to remember that as the occasion comes around. Jennifer Blankl warns that being too set on a specific vision of the day is one of the biggest mistakes a couple can make – “especially when an expectation doesn’t get met and that leads to hurt and negative feelings about the partner and the relationship,” she explains.
It’s easy to let an unfulfilled fantasy overshadow genuine effort, but Blankl suggests the antidote is gratitude: shifting your focus from what’s missing to what’s there. Thoughtful, heartfelt acts — no matter what they look like — all deserve recognition. As Blank added: “Valentine’s Day is about love after all, so be the essence of the holiday by looking for and calling out all that you love about your partner.”
Making an effort only on Valentine’s Day sends the wrong message
Grand gestures on Valentine’s Day can feel magical in the moment. But when the effort fades as quickly as the red roses wilt, it sends a different message: that you’re fully capable of being thoughtful and attentive all year long, you just choose not to be. A single day of romance cannot and will not outweigh months of neglect, and inconsistency can leave a partner feeling like an option, not a priority.
This is another big mistake Jennifer Blankl warns about. Instead of letting Valentine’s Day be your one-hit-wonder, she recommends using it as a chance to create lasting habits: “Avoid highlighting the difference in your everyday versus holiday romantic effort by suggesting you both adopt a new connection ritual to add to your repertoire.” That way, this reassures your partner that your relationship is something you’re willing to invest in and cultivate.
Straying too far from your authentic self can take the fun out of Valentine’s Day
There’s no need to second-guess yourself on Valentine’s Day, either. When the partner who prefers quiet nights in is booking a smart dinner, and the person who loves big romance is holding back for fear of overdoing it, you run the risk of ruining the romance for the sake of performance.
Blankl points out that this disconnect can make the day feel awkward. Rather than treating Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to play a role, she encourages couples to approach it with sincerity. As she put it, “Avoid going too big or too small in the eyes of your partner by staying true to your own self,” adding: “Be YOU as you determine how you want to show up on Love Day.” After all, it’s the real you they fell in love with, and the authenticity will be felt and appreciated by both you and your partner.
Skipping the planning — or the day altogether — can cause more harm than you think
Valentine’s Day never comes as a surprise. It happens on the same day every year, and we all know it’s coming. But somehow, many still find themselves scrambling to organize something at the very last minute. Be warned that restaurants book up fast and florists sell out, so don’t let what was supposed to be a romantic evening turn into a rushed, underwhelming attempt at salvaging the night. The last thing you want is for your partner to feel like an afterthough, and a little planning ahead goes a long way.
Intentionally skipping the holiday altogether is an even riskier move. Granted, not everyone sees Valentine’s Day as a big deal (in 2024, YouGov found that only half of partnered Americans said they planned to celebrate it), but dismissing it completely is an easy way to hurt feelings. Even if your partner says they don’t care about the day, it can sting to see other couples celebrating each other as their own goes unacknowledged. Of course, you can still push back against the holiday’s overrun commercial excess, but the chance to make your partner feel cherished is priceless.
Relying on clichés is bound to be disappointing
February 14 can feel forgettable fast if you default to the same tired, outdated Valentine’s gifts as everybody else. Flicking through the annual playbook, you might find a box of chocolates, a generic card, or an oversized teddy bear that looks like it was bought from the gas station. What’s more, some might love receiving flowers on any other day of the year, but object to it on Valentine’s Day because it lacks imagination. This year, you can skip the uninspired clichés, and instead, opt for intentional expressions of love that resonate with you both.
One foolproof way to do this is by recognizing and honoring each other’s love languages — a concept introduced by marriage counselor Gary Chapman in his bestselling book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.” Here, Chapman sets out the five key ways people give and receive love: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch. Knowing exactly how your partner likes to show up in relationships can take the guesswork out of Valentine’s Day, leaving you free to tap into what truly makes them feel seen.
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